Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

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Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by bratman » Sat May 05, 2012 10:27 am

Ok guys… as promised, here is Bratman’s Guide To Coming To Canada!

Now, some of this is tongue-in-cheek, but I also know that some of you have never been here, let alone crossed a border. Please do not take any offence, as I try to generalise and have fun at your expense at the same time.

At the border…. Have your shit in gear! Passports out and handed to the guard immediately. Parental “consent to travel” papers ready *if asked to see them*. Answer all questions honestly and promptly. Do NOT be nervous. They will jump all over you if you are. Take note that you cannot bring your glocks, AK-47s, assault rifles, 9mm guns, or any of the other weaponry that you Americans think is required for everyday life down there. Ditto for drugs of any kind, including the crack cocaine your momma gave you. Prescription drugs should be in their original containers. Behave and you will be on your way in a couple minutes. No one wants their trip ruined.

Once you have had your rectal exam at the border, and have pledged allegiance to Prime Ministers Bob and Doug McKenzie, and have driven away, please note that the speed limit has not suddenly doubled. The limit is NOT 100 miles an hour on the highway…. Its 100 km/h. Which is about 62 mph. Yes, we use metric here, like the rest of the world does. Except for you. Get over it. Stick to between 10-15 over on the highway as that’s the real average speed and the police also will likely not even bother you. No more than 10 over on any other road.

Also, as you drive on our highways, you will notice that most signs are bilingual, or that there is a French sign right after an English one. Get used to it, and embrace it. You will be tested on your knowledge before you can leave Canada.

It is customary upon entry to our country to celebrate at Tim Hortons. Tims or Timmies for short. Food there is breakfast and lunch, plus the standard donuts and coffee. Coffee there is a religion. They apparently own 75% of the takeout coffee market in Canada. When ordering a coffee, if you take the standard “2 cream 2 sugar”…. do not order it like that. You will be seen as a Dumb American. Its called a “double double”.

Speaking of being a Dumb American (or Ugly American for that matter), pronouncing “about” as “aboot” will get “ a boot” shoved up your ass here. We do not pronounce it like that. Americans with IQ’s under 75 do. We do say “eh” and we are damn proud of it. Just don’t overdo it or you will be seen as an Ugly American.

Ok on to money and costs. First off… yes our money has different colours for each denomination. No, it is not Monopoly money. Calling it as such will out you as an Ugly American. And, we use coins for the $1 and $2 denominations, and we have even nicknamed them the Loonie and the Twonie. Unlike you guys, we got rid of the bills for those denominations, and we have no problem with it. We embrace “change”.

Many places will take US$ here, but…. Do not expect fair exchange. Do expect to be chastised as an Ugly American for expecting us to accept your pathetic money.

Next, some stuff does cost more here. Gas is about 25% more here than in neighbouring NY state, you best be advised to fill up after we leave MFI. Alcohol also costs a lot more here too (50% more than what you pay usually), so if you want to take Canadian beer home with you, get it at Duty Free when you leave (MUCH cheaper). Alcohol at restaurants is not far off the mark from what you pay. Food at restaurants is about the same price, with fast food maybe being a bit more here (especially chicken…. For some reason it costs a lot more here). Groceries are generally about the same price. Apparently Coke is cheaper here (when its on sale). And over the counter drugs are generally cheaper here, and we have lots of stuff over the counter here that you need a prescription for down there… like heavy duty pain killers, muscle relaxants, and anything with codeine. Because we like to be doped up, eh.

Oh, and our sales tax is higher here. 13%. Suck it up. Meals under $4, like that coffee and donut you got at Tims earlier if you were paying attention to me, are only dinged 5%.

Talking politics in Canada? Well we do have a Conservative federal government…. However, most Canadians despise Republicans. They are all evil. Obama is our hero here. Even our Conservative government prefers him. So, keep your views to yourself.

Provincially, we have a minority Liberal government who might even fall by the time you guys come here. Most people hate them. We were all surprised that they got re-elected (with a minority), but that’s a case study (for the Conservatives) in how to blow an election.

One thing you will hear here if you identify yourself as an American is general mockery of nearly everything you guys do wrong. Health care, guns, your whole social welfare system, government policies, foreign policy especially, and how nearly every large American city looks like shit. Be prepared to take it… you are not in Kansas anymore! And while you are at it, be sure to kiss the ground every morning and thank the good Lord that you are finally on the best piece of real estate on the North American continent.

Oh… another “American” thing that does not fly here…. Farenheit. Using that scale here identifies you as being either a) American or b) old. They stopped teaching that here in the mid-70s, so basically only the 50 and over set really know what it means. Except for cooking… for some reason we do set our ovens in Farenheit.

By the way… people named “Bond” are to be treated like royalty here. You could say its part of our British heritage. Bond…James Bond. Do not question this.


Thirsty? Our Coke and Pepsi taste infinitely better than the sludge you drink down there (sugar!). Mountain Dew does not have caffeine here. Sweet Tea is unheard of here, unless you go to Starbucks. Our beer is much much better here… and I will introduce you to a brand or two that I like. Over that beer we will be talking hockey. Yes, hockey. By far and away the number one sport here. Baseball, a distant second. Football, far behind that. Basketball….huh?

What other advice can I give you….. Hmmmm

Keep in mind you are not in the USA anymore. The cloak of patriotism that your government has fed you over the decades under the guise of being a military power is seen a lot differently here (and elsewhere in the world). While many of us here love having you as neighbours, there are also many who don’t. Start sounding like an Ugly American and they will find you and destroy you (yes there is some anti-Americanism here). Part of our national culture does involve us comparing ourselves to you and pointing out the differences - differences that we are mostly proud of. Many people here do not like how your country likes to dominate the world - and you will hear about it. Just blend in, and don’t get into any arguments with people who have an opinion.

I can’t think of anything else to add here, except to say I can’t wait to show you guys around here! I will add to this if I think of anything else.

Oh… this video is required viewing ;-)


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Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by Paul Drabek » Sat May 05, 2012 10:59 am

What I can't bring my AK? I'll feel naked!

So what there are no guns up there? The only thing we do wrong is not having universal concealed carry and my nanny state forces me to have a license to own one.

Beer. Can't wait and I'll be prepared to talk hockey. Especially how the cup will be down here for the next year. :-)

It's good to know out president has somewhere to go where people will love him once he leaves office as even Chicagoans are starting to sour on him.

Great post and I can't wait to pledge to the wonderful McKenzie Brothers.

Have Fun

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by bratman » Sat May 05, 2012 8:39 pm

We do have some guns here. After all.. we do hunt. Rifles/shotguns are permitted but you must have a liscence. Handguns are all but illegal... you need a special government permit for one. Bringing any guns over the border requires a special and expensive permit that is arranged in advance, and you pretty much will need to show proof that you are going hunting.

And, of course, there are all the illegal handguns that somehow make their way over Lake Ontario........

And, yes the Cup will stay in the USA for another year... but keep in mind it is still being won by a team being made up of (mostly) Canadians :wink:

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by bratman » Thu May 10, 2012 8:50 pm

Ok a couple of additions (and these are serious, no kidding around like I did above).

Your cellphone data plan does not carry over the border. Turn off your data BEFORE you cross the border. Otherwise your data roams freely and will cost you a bundle. I have heard horror stories about people who crossed the border and didn't turn off their data, and went home to find a data bill over $1000.00 , from all the data slowly trickling in without a plan.

Also, your debit card will not work here. It will work at a ATM. Just not at the point of sale.

Credit cards are fine, but if you use Discover, you will largely be out of luck. Only places here that I have seen take it are in Niagara Falls, as its right on the border.

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by mikeau98 » Sun May 13, 2012 7:34 pm

Also, check if your phone has a data roaming option. As long as I turn that I off I am good.
Image

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by johnny.ink » Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:02 pm

Bratman-

has anything radically changed from your guide above? I have started looking at going to ACE Summer Con with Draven this year and want to try and get everything in order so to speak.

I looked on the http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/visit/ page, and saw what appears to be that we just need a birth certificate, or driver's license to drive in, but wanted to double-check.

And if anyone else has anything to add, please feel free. The more I think of it, driving to Canada's Wonderland is about the same as Holiday World, and I wanna ride that ride Paul described as a dryer (Togo?) and Leviathan :D

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by bratman » Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:15 pm

Really it hasn't changed. A lot of it is tongue in cheek but the jist of it is true.

You WILL need a passport to get back home, so in a de facto sense, you need it to come here.

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by Paul Drabek » Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:27 pm

It was much more easy and pleasant getting into Canada than it was getting back into the US.
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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by johnny.ink » Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:44 pm

bratman wrote:Really it hasn't changed. A lot of it is tongue in cheek but the jist of it is true.

You WILL need a passport to get back home, so in a de facto sense, you need it to come here.
Thanks. I guess Passport cards we'll need then for Canada's Wonderland.

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by bratman » Sun Mar 31, 2013 7:00 pm

or get a proper passport and you're covered if you decide anytime in future years you want to go to Europe or elsewhere....

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by Vonni » Sun Mar 31, 2013 11:08 pm

I've always thought Canada was better. I just hate being cold so its the one true fall back lol!

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by Paul Drabek » Mon Apr 01, 2013 4:03 pm

Bratman at some point I will get a passport book but as I'll have to get a new one in 5 years no matter what for Bond the card was totally fine.

Oh another tip for surviving the Great White North is they all drive like insane people. It is so bad Toronto made Chicago drivers look placid and timid. Prepare for the worst.
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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by johnny.ink » Mon Apr 01, 2013 8:23 pm

How about New York drivers, or Boston? How does it stack up?

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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by Paul Drabek » Mon Apr 01, 2013 9:19 pm

Worse
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Re: Bratman's Guide To Coming To Canada

Post by bratman » Tue Apr 02, 2013 7:40 pm

wait til you get to Montreal next year, Paul. Two words : French drivers.

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